Me, Myself and I

I understand. My sadness is small. I am still the product of privilege. There hasn’t been a death or a natural disaster. There hasn’t been a divorce or a cancer diagnosis or a home-turf war. I know that, in the grand scheme of the world and its many hardships and cruelties, my sadness is small. But it is also three-dimensional. It has depth and width and length; it has angles that expand to fill every room I drag it into. It feels like my hope went cliff jumping, miscalculated the distance, and broke every bone. It feels like the bottom of the paper bag of my self as I knew it has ripped open and the fruit that has fallen to the sidewalk is too bruised to salvage. And then I am made more miserable by the indisputable fact that this happens to everyone, and it’s not a big deal, and why can’t I be more resilient, have some perspective, quit sulking, and just join OkCupid already? There ain’t no party like a pity party, ‘cause a pity party don’t stop. No, really. It won’t stop. How do I make it stop?

However,

The more time I spend thinking late at night before the melatonin kicks in…the more I am convinced that we should all take time to be in a relationship with ourselves. At this point in my life, it’s challenging enough trying to figure out my own wants and needs without juggling the wants and needs of another.This is the one chance in your life that you get to completely decide what direction you want your life to travel in. Do you want to explore Germany and learn how to make sauerkraut? Do you want to dedicate your extra time and energy to volunteering and impact the lives of others? Do you want to dedicate yourself to your professional life and get the experience you need to take yourself to the next level?

That’s up to you to decide and the best part is…it’s only your decision. This is the time in your life when you are supposed to be selfish. Embrace the selfishness. Savor every moment spent trying to figure out who you are and what you want. Take chances. Take lots of them. Spend time with people that you normally wouldn’t spend time with. Discover new hobbies. And most of all do whatever it is that makes you happy and don’t regret a second of it.

a simple lesson

I never believed much in “signs”. Maybe it’s because I never received one, or looked for one to be honest. But I got one last night, at least that’s what I think it was. It was either that or a wicked slap in the face.

A distant, acquaintance I guess you could call him, who I haven’t spoken to in months, somehow got me to listen. He made a point that my closest friends have tried to make for so long. I don’t know if I needed to hear it from someone else, someone who didn’t know everything about my life, but for whatever reason, he got through to me.

It’s a simple lesson: listen to your problems instead of running away from them. Stop pretending like you don’t care and start taking responsibility for your emotions. Respect them and pay attention to them before they lead you into a downward spiral.

I don’t know why I have always thought that I needed to appear tough, make it seem like things don’t phase me. People know me as someone who can handle a lot and someone who manages to laugh through it all. I think once people knew me as that type of person, I didn’t want to let them down. I didn’t see a reason to change the way I handled things. At least not until last night when I realized how bad it could get.

I’ve been told many times that I’m cold and blank. I rarely show emotion and when things happen, I don’t take the time to deal with them. I either pretend things are not a big deal or pretend they aren’t happening. It’s a vicious cycle of denial.

A vicious cycle that I’m determined to end.

I’ve come to realize that standing emotionless after a slap in the face is not true strength. Strong people don’t ignore every negative experience and let it eat at them from the inside out. Running from your emotions and hiding them behind the 10 foot walls you’ve built around yourself is not strong. It is a defense for the weak. And it is a defense that can only last for so long until your walls come crumbling down on you.

Strong people don’t build walls. They don’t deny their feelings. They embrace them and then tackle their problems head on.

All this time I thought I was strong for handling all that’s been thrown at me. I realize now that I’ve been weaker than most. I understand what my friends have been trying to get me to understand for so long. They don’t want to break down walls. They don’t want a cold friend who is incapable of showing emotion. They want to see that I’m human that I can react like everyone else.

Here I am thinking I need to keep my feelings bottled up so I don’t let people down. What I see now is that I’ve let a lot of people down. I’ve ruined relationships because I never seemed like I cared enough. I look back and see that I did care but I just couldn’t show it.

I think we all need to hear this lesson. Maybe we need an experience, maybe just an encounter with someone who has experienced first hand what its like for all those walls to come crashing down. Whatever it may be, whoever it may be, listen. We’ve all got a lot to learn and if we don’t learn to embrace how we feel, we may stop feeling all together

thought catalog

An Hour

An hour, one hour, can change everything forever. An hour can save your life. An hour can change your life. Sometimes an hour is a gift we give ourselves. For some, an hour can mean almost nothing. For others, an hour makes all the difference in the world. But in the end, it's still just an hour. One of many. Many more to come. Sixty minutes. Thirty-six hundred seconds. That's it. Then it starts all over again. And who knows what the next hour might hold.

the truth is

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.

IS THE SITUATION OVER?

I want to punch you in the ovaries

I want to punch you in the ovaries!!!!

I wish I can write down everything here and everyone can read it. So that every single one of you will know how I'm feeling right now. But I can't. And I wont.

If you want to know, you can talk to me. Let's have a conversation.

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not. Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. 

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

some day

So, i've been thinking about this whole being happy thing, and i feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination...We're always thinking that someday we'll be happy, we'll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that'll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it's a condition, not a destination. it's like being tired or hungry, it's not permanent. It comes and goes, and that's okay, And i feel like if people thought of that way, they'd find happiness more often.

Can't fight this feeling

There are some feelings that refuse to go away, they're little distractions whispering in you ear. Some things just get under your skin. Try as you might, you can't ignore your instincts. It's like they say, always follow your intuitions.

I don't know what it was

I don't know what it was that made me love you. Or what it was that made you hate the way you do. I remember what you said and compare it to what you did and it never made sense. You were there and then you weren't. You had my heart and i had yours. you said it was love and so i stayed. Maybe it was too much. maybe it wasn't enough. But I will never forget the way you made me feel like i was everything and i will never forget the way you made me feel like i was nothing.

Negotiation

They say there's one sure sign of a successful negotiation. It's that when the parties leave the table, they both feel like they've been screwed. The goal is a compromise. A situation where everybody wins.They say that negotiation is an art form. Yet, when we negotiate, we have a strategy, we use tactics. Strategies and tactics aren't words we use for seeking a compromise. These are words for going to war.

wow. 2004. BEST POEM. EVER. :)

Her name is Christina

A person who is intelligent, harmless, tall, and warm

Sister of the sixteen moons surrounding Jupiter

Who loves to read like a librarian, paint like Picasso, and imagine about her future.

Who feels excited when seeing her friends, alive when she hears music, and lonely when everybody is gone.

Who needs love like two couples exchanging their rings, money like Oprah, and sense of security for herself.

Who gives piece of her mind to her closest friends, dedication to her community, and laughter to her siblings.

Who fear death when it is near, loneliness when there is nobody to talk too, and earthquakes when her house is shaking like a cobra's tail.

Who would like to see the past to change her actions, present to be more successful, and future to be prepared for what is next

Resident of Irvine, California

She leaves the house with a Bang

dear whoever is reading this...

Dear whoever is reading this, you're young, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile because life is too short to be unhappy.

trust is a fragile thing

trust is a fragile thing. easy to break. easy to lose. and one of the hardest things to ever get back.

Take me as I am or watch me as I GO!

i might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest...nor do i have the perfect body. I might not be your first choice, but i am a GREAT choice...I don't pretend to be someone else cause i am too good at being me! I might not be proud of osme of the things i've odne but i am proud of who i am today. TAKE ME AS I AM OR WATCH ME AS I GO.

this is for you girlfriend

There is always one person you love who BECOMES that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable...The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really REALLy REALLy want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

all we want is more

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided.

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown-up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in. I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

No man is an island entire unto himself

Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion on being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire unto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with, or run around with, or just hang out.

blah blah blah

Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, i feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive, too mushy. too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a raindrop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all...look around you. Take and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.

look

Don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart.Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. and, more important, how does he treat you? when you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself.

honestly

when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who...instead of much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair of confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.

Later that day...

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

my wish for you!

My wish for you is that this life comes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to i hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too. Yeah, this is my wish.

i choose...

I choose to live by choice, not by chance. I choose to be motivated, not manipulated. I choose to be useful, not used. I choose to make changes, not excuses. I choose to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinion of others.